eat chocolate. okay, you didn't need me to tell you that. the stuff can be amazingly effective. i don't know how many times i've shifted a mood simply by crunching an oatmeal-chocolate-chip cookie. no, it doesn't always work. that's a given. it can be an addiction on its own. and what we know about addictions so far, even strong drugs can't end them. only five-step programs have a prayer of doing so.
i do get mixed up. am i a social being or a chemical animal? how does the first affect the second and vice-versa. considering my blood travels 50,000 miles a day, my kidneys processing 300 gallons, a lot of stuff must be sailing thru my system. how the body keeps all that in balance, or doesn't, a great mystery. no wonder what we eat determines who we are. well, not totally, exercise, for instance, can rouse endorphins and a feeling of well-being, unless you get so exhausted you fall in a ditch and expire of hypothermia.
we're meant to move, and a lot of problems arise when we don't. i wonder if a personal trainer couldn't do more than a therapist? and the right drug does work wonders. i met a guy in costa rica taking a vacation from running a biology lab. he invited me to visit him in oregon, which i did. he said the day before i arrived he suddenly felt normal for the first time in his life, his escape to central america giving a respite for the drug to take affect. and just this past week a friend suffering from long-term depression said people finding her more relaxed, the right drug discovered after an extended and painful search.
personally, i've spent thousands of dollars on therapy when it was a lot cheaper than now. having always having had pretensions to being an elitist, I barked up that wrong tree and fought off suicidal impulses simply with luck. my medical doctor encouraged me to try prozac for a year before i would. and once that worked, i added welbutrin to beef up the dopamine. yes, we're chemical beings and somehow we've got to accept it and get the balance right. otherwise it's crack cocaine and heroin, deployed in a war only they can win.
my friend dennis palumbo has a new article on the subject of therapists as villains. http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/hollywood-the-couch/201201/the-girl-the-evil-psychiatrist i wonder if they're seen as anti-democratic (expensive) and conservative. my therapist years ago said, 'most people happier mainstream'. and in japan therapy states, 'your problem not loving your mother enough.'
in berkeley over new year's i took a few pics. a lot of people out there could use some help: www.pbase.com/wwp/ny12
i'm constantly fearful of invasion, losing my way, forgetting my place. when i tried a biofeedback exercise, hooked up to a machine recording my brain-waves, i'd revert to the tenser state the minute i heard a sound, felt a breath, a shadow passing across my eyes. i thought this might have been early childhood training, ie. my mother popping into my room at the most expected times and telling me not to play with myself. hmm, guess that could be true, but i think there's more to it.
a nigerian visitor said, 'america's a tough atmosphere, you have to make a place for yourself, stake out your territory. in africa we're given a place and protected by others who've been put in a particular spot as well.' so, it's true, the united states is literally a jungle without the social cohesion given by tribes and familiarity with the territory. by the latter i mean, those old guys used to have one landscape with which they became intimate. by taking care of it and understanding it, they could live comfortably.
and these small groups didn't tolerate strangers. i walk down fifth avenue in new york and i'm jostled by all kinds of wierdos. i once saw mafia dudes pounce on an enemy and beat him to the ground, right in the middle of this crowd. trying to establish what happened, how could the cop listen to everyone, including the gangsters, and come up with a who-done-it. if you have a fear of crowds, there's a damn good reason and you'd better be on your guard.
you may not be aware it, how everyone in america afraid of losing their job and everything they possess, this particularly true the past couple years with the economic collapse, homes being tossed back to the banks. most of us don't know how to take care of ourselves, building a fire from scratch, digging up edible roots, in fact we don't even know how to beg, though i think we could learn pretty fast.
an anthropology teacher in college (1962) said, 'we live better than any kings before 1900.' have you gotten used to water coming out of the tap, the air being breathable, food appearing like magic in plastic wrap? theoretically, this makes you a civilized being. the minute the gas stops flowing as it did in the gas crisis of 1973, we fight like tigers at the pump, things get really nasty, all our goodwill depending on our comfort.
given these facts, we can't relax, pleasure has gotten a bad name, sensuality a sin, and all because of the jungle. have you ever thought what would happen if other drivers ignored the white lines and traffic lights? your life wouldn't be worth a plugged nickel. i know this means i'm under threat of extermination every minute, despite the long-term stability and investment appeal of the country. freedom's just a game of jumping over bear-traps and kissing your friends goodbye. no wonder, as many around the world have observed, americans always overreact. i personally have made my body robotic to avoid organic decay.
a few more tell-tale drawings in ipad night flight: http://www.pbase.com/wwp/nf
that time of year to disappoint myself again! of course, the first thing i always say: i will exercise more. and you know what? i never do. what this teaches me, however, is: i feel fat and unsexy. then i think of the hottest woman i've ever seen, in a los angeles irish pub dancing. believe me, she must have been at least forty-five and had those extra love-pounds. and wow, every guy in the place couldn't stop watching her, not just that iridescent dress, those hips, those moves.
and in the survey of web porn, two billion wicked thoughts, the authors discovered most men do not like thin women. and when a woman looks at a man, she must be desiring more than muscles. i mean, look at all these guys they're with! pretty amazing, those beards, scuffed shoes, watery eyes. and i'm not just talking about the old ones. i see combinations i simply cannot believe, i feel like i'm watching a horror movie, hallucinating.
which i bring up to prove my point. what we wish hides the substance of that desire, the true impulse, so time to back up, examine what you will never do cause it's not what you really want. now, if i said, i'm going to get more sex this year, i'd have to confront my fears, figure out what a woman really wants (good luck!), and go for it. and i suspect all our hopes for a higher salary, a fancier car, a trip to tahiti disguise the same thing, pure unadulterated lust. if i say, i'm going to have a kid this year, it means, i'll risk a lot, the fear of aids, the scary business of a possible involvement, and of course pregnancy, to have a lot of fun.
i encourage all of us to get real. that pub-dancing lady knew what she wanted and made no bones about it. we have to get past manipulation and self-consciousness and the attempt to play it safe, broadcasting want me, i can give you what you'll never get alone, and all because i'll be satisfying a passion even bigger than yours, my own.
new pics, out xmas eve and the day itself, this depth of darkness needing a release: http://www.pbase.com/wwp/kiss and http://www.pbase.com/wwp/xmas11
portrait by alice neel
actually, i like to forget this kind of disturbing identity dream as fast as i can. oh, i've read tons of freud, jung, and their followers, an interesting thing to do, yet i've decided most of our dreams merely practical. they integrate the trials and tribulations of the day into whatever makes up our 'self'. usually, they start pretty nasty, calming down as the night goes on.
unfortunately, i ate very sugary cookies last night and this means disaster. yes, scrooge was right, a bit of undone potato can undo you. anyway, i spent the last couple hours in andy warhol's apartment, the dump filled with drug-besotted hangers-on. andy himself drove me crazy, friendly one minute, honoring my opinions, and scathing, ironic, damaging my self-image the next. finally, i decided, after failing to be able to take a shower or find my shoes, 'i'm getting the hell out of here.'
one item disturbed me most, a young theater director who recently lost his job part of the retinue. i attempted to convince him this a bad scene. alas, all he could do was imitate warhol, even deciding he was gay and celebrating the fact. when i started to take off my clothes, all these guys stood around me salivating, eager to see my tally-whacker.. needless to say, i became very self-conscious. what was i, one of these or somebody else? down in the street, i at first simply wanted to return to that hell. then i realized my pack back and my loafers on my feet and i walked with a firm gait. ah, a dream, i knew it.
maybe it's the holidays too. yesterday at the cafe, i felt disconnected, other people unreal. not until i picked up a manga story and read a bit did i feel myself returning to this world, certainly a contradiction. oh, hell, as whitman said, 'i contradict myself, therefore i contradict myself. i contain worlds.' if only he would come to me when i need him!
these ipad drawings related: http://www.pbase.com/wwp/nf
ps. once sat behind andy warhol at the theater. white hair. faded denim. a ghost-like aura. pretty freaky.
my friend dennis palumbo just published an article on the subject in psychology today. and what an embarrassing topic it is. believe me, i can envy just about anybody, depending on my mood, say the young, just because they've got so much to look forward to. us crusty old guys figure whatever they seek to do, we've done it better. once staying with a friend's daughter in seattle, i denigrated her work and that of her friends. she jumped all over me. and i realized what i was doing: ENVY.
since then, i've tried to catch myself, even enjoy the successes of others. one trick, i say to myself, now i don't have to do that, it's done. usually it stops me from trying to save the world or re-invent the wheel. i could, of course, build a better mouse-trap, and that's an option, depending on how interested i am. i used to covet the warmth and security of home and family. at night i'd walk the streets, look into kitchen windows, and see everybody having a great time. PROJECTION. my jealousy based on an assumption of the unreal, viewing whatever they have as lacking flies in the ointment.
today, i consider how much time and money all that is costing them. and i know the tensions in families all too well, my own had enough for four broods (nice word, that). take christmas, coming up this weekend. when we were little, we've be full of excitement, my mother's xmas eve ceremonies comforting, we'd listen to a recording of dicken's christmas carol and stuff ourselves with the candy my father had made. later, as we grew older, we became disenchanted, uneasy with the whole affair. ah, if only i still believed in santa claus!
and then there's sex. when i see a gorgeous woman with another man, i turn green, completely forgetting i'm looking at her as a goddess and not a real person. i forget how she had to color and tease that hair, how long it took for her nails to dry as the guy stewed, late for the theater. i totally ignore her bad moods, her demands for attention, and so on. some nights i do go to bed wishing i'd a lovely beside me. and in the morning i wipe my brow and thank god i'm alone. so much for coveting my neighbor's wife.
here is the article mentioned above. tough going in an insanely competitive environment. again, i say, wish for the victory of your buddies. they may carry you to the top: http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/hollywood-the-couch/201112/envy
this is the one i mean. we all know the expression 'tip of the iceberg', yet do we really take it's significance into account? the captain of the titanic certainly didn't, nor did george armstrong custer at the battle of the little bighorn. my vanity creates more assumptions than stars in the galaxy, not to mention the universe. for example, i believed invading iraq a bad thing, the only possible result civil war. now that this war is 'officially' over, i'll have to reassess my position. after all, the price of gas dropping!
and afghanistan, where civilizations go to die? hmm, exceptions to the rule? maybe all those drone bombs killing people necessary steps in human evolution? am i being ironic? damn, i never know. some things i am pretty aware of. for example, when touring the teddy roosevelt house in new york, i heard the guide say americans don't know their own history. once i took a course in our revolution, and i didn't remember the colonies had three million people. no wonder the british had a fight on their hands. and did a million citizens move to canada after it was over? somewhere i read that.
does my ignorance matter? that's the big question. so far i've gotten thru life without knowing what the hell E equals MC squared means. and if i'm sailing the ocean of thought, what dangers lie in the deep? true, i do believe as things begin, so do they go. a revolt in violence creates a violent new society, whereas a peaceful one, say new zealand, doesn't lead to a lot of blood-letting. can i see like the author of the rational optimist the whole of human society progressing, even as individuals suffer? and when does bowing to complexity, not allow us t0 cut the gordian knot?
nothing ventured, noting gained. after all, any of our lives fatal! new drawings: http://www.pbase.com/wwp/nf and new photos: http://www.pbase.com/wwp/meso2 where students reconstruct what might have been.
my friend marilyn once said, people who think they're always right have more energy. when i go down the list of people i've known, i believe it to be true. not that they're necessarily more successful, however i suspect conservatives happier than liberals, fathers more than sons. and they can be as obnoxious as hell, without feeling guilty.
transposing this to the big names in art, i must confess i'm puzzled. lately i've streamed documentaries on bob dylan, alice neel, keith haring, robert anton wilson, and countless other artists. guess i'm still looking for the key to fame and fortune. certainly amazing what these people have done, yet doubts seem to creep up on them all the time. hemingway said, courage is grace under pressure. what amazes me: how cheeky a bob dylan or john lennon can be.
is it simply the drive to 'do something', write songs. paint. direct? suicide does often raise its sad head, much more prominent among creative people. we can all think of examples, hemingway himself and marilyn monroe. and i haven't found people who consider themselves infallible to be geniuses, in fact they very often live by cliches. that gives them a rectitude money can't buy.
one example i love: the man with the highest IQ in the world. i forget his name. he lives somewhere in the american midwest. what a dolt. never having the chance to train his brain, he thinks killing dumb people okay. here the mind creates a demon, or as goya would say, the sleep of reason creates monsters. informed intelligence the way to go. unfortunately, the more you know the more you know you don't know. awareness takes away certainty.
started a new batch of drawings, night flight: http://www.pbase.com/wwp/nf i'm sure it will prove again photographs have more universal appeal than artistic creations. artworks seem to narrow the audience, the quirkiness of individuality limiting you to an audience with the same quirks!
