signs of the times

click on them

many more at http://www.pbase.com/wwp/signs

End Notes: 2013

What matters is the state you put yourself in.

If you're made of clay, don't go out in the rain.

To survive each other we have to have rules.

I can make the world larger simply by being ignorant.

Can you choose the wrong path deliberately?

Strange how a scar can be stronger than the skin.

To be heard the stick must be broken.

The Devil likes bargains.

The Big Bang made Nothing messy.

What if the Big Bang blew apart the Big Thing?

I had fun trying to fill up the Void.

The Abyss didn't like me looking into it.

Don't drive a car if you're afraid to step on the gas.

Just when I got used to being nothing, something happened.

Since our thoughts have so much power, we want someone else to handle them.

Am I the only one in the audience laughing?

I wove the cloak of invisibility, and it didn't keep me warm.

Whenever I didn't act on impulse, I felt I'd failed myself.

Who knows what you will be next?

Okay, you can join my other ghosts.

           some quotes from the poet Octavio Paz:                       http://www.pbase.com/wwp/paz

Greetings For All Seasons!

living with my limitations

hmm, hard not making this a sob-story. as someone wiser than i said, "If you argue for your limitations, you will have them." on the other hand, as my friend randy said, "People find there own level." or in my words, we live in a free-fall society. maybe it's merely the fact we have choices? or as Chekhov said, "We do what we can." o god, in a politically correct age that sounds like a cop-out. so let this be mine.

SALESMANSHIP: i'm terrible at selling anything. i always lose money on a camera, a car, a book. what is this reluctance to bargain? is the dollar dirty? or is it i simply don't care? to my own credit, as long as i have enough to live in luxury, as i do, better than any king in history before 1900. unfortunately, i'm never able to present myself as better than i am, and usually worse. in a world of self-promotion, i'm dismal.

AUTHORITY: i'm very reluctant to assume it. a psychic told me, "You had too much responsibility in past lives, in this one you get to play." my question is, with this kind of freedom, why doesn't it promote my happiness more? i do know playfulness is the key to a good life. why can't i practice what i preach? 

SOLITUDE: when i was young, my mother said, "You played so much alone, I never thought you'd have anything to do with people." she was certainly surprised when she came to town and found i had friends! alas, it's true, i float in and out of sociable circles: lookout parties, classes at school, theater. definitely a yo-yo when it comes to this. working alone on a mountain-top both a privilege and a pain. yes, floating at my own level: in the sky!

DEPRESSION: admittedly, prozac has helped a lot. my lack of patience has interfered all along the way, especially in romances, unable to partner for long. these days, i don't often have the urge to throw myself under a bus or jump off a bridge. still, some days the inner tension tempts me to get rid of it in a disastrous way, especially with alcohol. i do forgive myself and say, this too will pass. that's the trouble with being depressed. it seems like it will go on forever.

LUCK: i believe too much in it, and both praise and blame affect my self-image too much. and it's driven me to try and save people, to forgive when i shouldn't, avoid confrontation. maybe that's where this love of day-dreaming? when i was a kid, my father always said, "We're waiting for our ship to come in." and in the meantime we were always in debt. and of course i've avoided debt like the plague. not easy to buy a house with that attitude. 

RESTLESSNESS: now it's true, 40 countries later i don't have the old-age regret of not having traveled enough. and i have been at the same lookout for 30 years and in this town for 33. part of that has got to be inertia. these days i delight in the pleasure of not going. an evening of surfing the world brings me a lot of satisfaction. true, i simply cannot read books like crime and punishment, or joseph and his brothers, not the way i used to. and just two days ago i found an old guy (probably no older than i) sitting at a cafe table absorbed in a paperback  novel. gee, i wish i could do that. no, i'm taking everything in bite-sized bits, trying to get the kernel without spending too much time on the shell.

EXERCISE: i keep damning myself for not getting enough of it and the ten extra pounds i carry. i did realize i wanted to be able to survive a famine. must have come from depression parents. yes, yes, yes, let me blame them. no, no, no, that way devastation and fate lie. i try to walk an hour a day. i've added an app to my phone, recording my steps. definitely humbling. and i can't make myself lift weights. ah, that should come as no surprise, looking at all the stuff above. 


okay, that doesn't include everything. enough for now. yes, been taking pictures. here are some from a theater performance this weekend: http://www.pbase.com/wwp/zone enjoyed it.

and this past week, took photos of class projects in pre-columbian and colonial art history:  http://www.pbase.com/wwp/matt6 and http://www.pbase.com/wwp/matt5


and here's some food for thought: http://www.buzzfeed.com/mikespohr/37-things-youll-regret-when-youre-old

picturing my thoughts

Our lives are completely a figment of our imagination.

Everything is as we imagine it. 

What would it be if it had no name?

I am an altered state of consciousness. 

Memories aren't remembered, they're reconstructed.

A memory is a piece of altered architecture. 

Gradually the overloaded mind forgets things in order to allow new entries.

If you remember too much, it interferes with living.

The photograph becomes the memory.

The photograph is not the life.

Don't look at the photographs until you've forgotten the trip.

We eventually become our photographs. 

Pity the person who lives in a world of symbols. 

How can mind be a noun? 

Madness repeats itself in a way the imagination never can.

Time equals structure.

You'd better do it for yourself. Nobody else wants it.

I have to want to make the journey before I'll try to reach the goal.

Everything a social construct to hold up the way we live.

He had to invent a problem for his solution.

The world won't be the same when I leave it.

He only looked for what he had forgotten.

Don't lose faith in the myth of yourself.

I've done this before, but not in the same way.

The past just ended. 

Worry about being witty, not profound. 

Yes, he said, I'm inventing tomorrow.

I skipped a few steps so I couldn't go backward.

Leave the past alone or it will take revenge. 

The last time I understood my world I got bored.

If you have to choose between chaos and order, remember: order has fewer options. 

Be careful which reality you choose.

Enlightenment (nirvana): everything has a meaning, even if you don't know what that meaning is.

Meaning is a feeling, not a thought.

This the appeal of drugs - coffee, alcohol, magic mushrooms, lsd - they put you in a state of meaning. 

I can't imagine a world without me. 

relevant photos: http://www.pbase.com/wwp/nostalgia

it ain't always easy to be thankful

okay, i know that condemns me to the hell of the ungrateful. but, think about it, cut me some slack. spending a life in the 'land of opportunity' is not as easy as you may think. i constantly think: i could have more, do more, be more. life becomes an attempt to escape the chain-gang. lord knows, i've tried. the tension makes driving over a cliff a rather appealing catastrophe. 

take today, for example, thanksgiving day, which i spent on my own. i didn't have to. i could have had dinner at the local jesus center with the other bottom-feeders. alas, when it came down to it, i had n0 desire to. perhaps because i woke up from a dream feeling fear, like i'd done something wrong and be caught. the stories in outer space always reflect the oedipus conflict. i'm attracted to a beautiful young woman, usually a brunette, like my mother, and she leads me on, though she has a boyfriend, husband, partner, and eventually i'm left out.

hmm, i don't think i'll go into that. gradually the fear abated and i felt listless, unmotivated. i told myself, "you know you are a manic-depressive, wait and you'll be happy." ah, and i've realized you can only be thankful when you're happy, or after surviving a terrific trauma, a near-death experience, the survival of yourself, or someone you love. and gratitude is like love, you can't command it.  today i will enjoy whatever happens. believe it or not, i've been able to do this for a whole waking day, and the next day i feel like hell. 

that said, i had a lovely day, the weather twenty degrees warmer than new york or paris, and i'm very happy about that. i worked on printing photos, drank tea and hot chocolate, walked uptown for a cup of coffee. two places were open and i loved the fact i live a small city where such things happen. the exercise did me a world of good. ah, the taco truck on the corner open. i ate a delicious california borrito. finishing just in time to drive to the movies.

what did i see? Gravity starring George Clooney and Sandra Bullock. a space project six miles up goes awry. a satellite blows up and debris takes down their craft. they float through space, looking for the russian space station, it too damaged. and so it went until sandra bullock crawls out of the water and grasps a fistful of dirt lovingly. hmm, maybe that plan for being a doctor on a spaceship in my next lifetime not such a good idea. yes, i love trees and a beautiful bamboo will tingle my spine. 

feeling slightly more happy to be on earth, i walked out of the theater and wanted to hug a stone. on the way home i passed the indian valley health center, which i joined recently. great folks, i'm glad they're taking care of me. and now i'm home, ecstatic i can remember how to type and spell check takes care of all my faults. will my mood survive the night? of course not. everything seems to depend on the wind whether i can fly higher than a kite or dig my own grave. so be it. i just hope i can hold onto that space-suit. 

      worked on some drawings:  http://www.pbase.com/wwp/redux