is there a cure for consciousness?

this question has wracked my brain for days. it is the question, no doubt about it. the problem's simple: yes and no create consciousness. in these terms, a computer is conscious. all it does is switch back and forth, choosing one here, one there. yes, it's a matter of choice, and not a very mysterious one. and human thought the result of this dualism. nothing is more painful to me than making a decision. i want to keep all my options open. unfortunately, i'd get hit by a bus the minute i put it in practice.

so, to cross the road or not? that is the question we have to ask ourselves, and it's maddening. why choose this lover and not that one, this dress, this pair of pants, and not others? and no matter what i do, i suffer terribly from 'buyer's remorse.' a package taken home dies on the way, the great significance it had in the store drains out of it. i'm left with an empty shell of hope. 

and if i had ambition, my god, it would be a hundred times worse. the intense desire to get somewhere, not even knowing the destination, and not believing i will leave an eiffel tower or boulder dam. i kid myself and say, "these words will live forever," imitating shakespeare, and i think of him in grubby grave, his line dying out after he sweated his whole life for a coat of arms, expecting to pass it into the 21st century. damn, the shakespeare line died out with his daughter. and he didn't protect himself  against plagiarism and actors. what a mess!

anyway, there we have it, damned if you do, and damned if you don't, a terrible disease. can we find a poultice? actually, they lie all about us. all i have to do is join a tribe, and god knows i've tried: boy scouts, tarot card readers, eternal students, anything i thought would calm my mind. you see, i do know the answer to my question: accept any system as the ultimate and true cross. it doesn't have to be religion, though it depends completely upon belief, and a book like the course in miracles just dandy. 

say i've decided sanitation will save everybody, i'm completely obsessed by urinals and drain-pipes, pollution and garbage. cleanliness becomes my god, every waking and sleeping moment dedicated to the problems of survival in an age of trash. see what i mean, i don't have to think outside this box any more, i've safely escaped the absurd, the ambiguous, the unanswerable. what a relief! and i didn't have to resort to the dangerous drugs: heroin, coffee, and love. haven't i been totally brilliant, plumbing manuals my life?

the gypsies draw a circle around you and you can't escape. in that limitation i'd like to  live my life.  i could have chosen the catholic church, physics, or drag-racing. hey, what about a motor-cycle and the endless accessories? alas, there's a further difficulty: the incurably indecisive like myself. i can toy with baseball, it's leagues and rules. i can dangle horseshoes in front of my nose, even wade in the troubled waters of mysticism, and somehow i return to the ghost of myself, the person who either believes there is an ultimate answer, or doesn't.

my advice: tie yourself down, don't let ambiguity creep in by way of the back door. start a collection of stuffed pigs and have the greatest in world. take up the ukelele and prove it can play beethoven. whatever you do, draw the bitter, thin, cutting line around yourself and tame a little piece of the world. if you try to deal with the whole of it, you will go mad, as i have. 


signs of the times. www.pbase.com/wwp/signs   

and www.pbase.com/wwp/signs3

Signs of the Times 2

  

Click on them to enlarge.

Many many more at

www.pbase.com/wwp/signs

 

www.pbase.com/wwp/signs3

signs of the times

click on them

many more at http://www.pbase.com/wwp/signs

End Notes: 2013

What matters is the state you put yourself in.

If you're made of clay, don't go out in the rain.

To survive each other we have to have rules.

I can make the world larger simply by being ignorant.

Can you choose the wrong path deliberately?

Strange how a scar can be stronger than the skin.

To be heard the stick must be broken.

The Devil likes bargains.

The Big Bang made Nothing messy.

What if the Big Bang blew apart the Big Thing?

I had fun trying to fill up the Void.

The Abyss didn't like me looking into it.

Don't drive a car if you're afraid to step on the gas.

Just when I got used to being nothing, something happened.

Since our thoughts have so much power, we want someone else to handle them.

Am I the only one in the audience laughing?

I wove the cloak of invisibility, and it didn't keep me warm.

Whenever I didn't act on impulse, I felt I'd failed myself.

Who knows what you will be next?

Okay, you can join my other ghosts.

           some quotes from the poet Octavio Paz:                       http://www.pbase.com/wwp/paz

Greetings For All Seasons!

living with my limitations

hmm, hard not making this a sob-story. as someone wiser than i said, "If you argue for your limitations, you will have them." on the other hand, as my friend randy said, "People find there own level." or in my words, we live in a free-fall society. maybe it's merely the fact we have choices? or as Chekhov said, "We do what we can." o god, in a politically correct age that sounds like a cop-out. so let this be mine.

SALESMANSHIP: i'm terrible at selling anything. i always lose money on a camera, a car, a book. what is this reluctance to bargain? is the dollar dirty? or is it i simply don't care? to my own credit, as long as i have enough to live in luxury, as i do, better than any king in history before 1900. unfortunately, i'm never able to present myself as better than i am, and usually worse. in a world of self-promotion, i'm dismal.

AUTHORITY: i'm very reluctant to assume it. a psychic told me, "You had too much responsibility in past lives, in this one you get to play." my question is, with this kind of freedom, why doesn't it promote my happiness more? i do know playfulness is the key to a good life. why can't i practice what i preach? 

SOLITUDE: when i was young, my mother said, "You played so much alone, I never thought you'd have anything to do with people." she was certainly surprised when she came to town and found i had friends! alas, it's true, i float in and out of sociable circles: lookout parties, classes at school, theater. definitely a yo-yo when it comes to this. working alone on a mountain-top both a privilege and a pain. yes, floating at my own level: in the sky!

DEPRESSION: admittedly, prozac has helped a lot. my lack of patience has interfered all along the way, especially in romances, unable to partner for long. these days, i don't often have the urge to throw myself under a bus or jump off a bridge. still, some days the inner tension tempts me to get rid of it in a disastrous way, especially with alcohol. i do forgive myself and say, this too will pass. that's the trouble with being depressed. it seems like it will go on forever.

LUCK: i believe too much in it, and both praise and blame affect my self-image too much. and it's driven me to try and save people, to forgive when i shouldn't, avoid confrontation. maybe that's where this love of day-dreaming? when i was a kid, my father always said, "We're waiting for our ship to come in." and in the meantime we were always in debt. and of course i've avoided debt like the plague. not easy to buy a house with that attitude. 

RESTLESSNESS: now it's true, 40 countries later i don't have the old-age regret of not having traveled enough. and i have been at the same lookout for 30 years and in this town for 33. part of that has got to be inertia. these days i delight in the pleasure of not going. an evening of surfing the world brings me a lot of satisfaction. true, i simply cannot read books like crime and punishment, or joseph and his brothers, not the way i used to. and just two days ago i found an old guy (probably no older than i) sitting at a cafe table absorbed in a paperback  novel. gee, i wish i could do that. no, i'm taking everything in bite-sized bits, trying to get the kernel without spending too much time on the shell.

EXERCISE: i keep damning myself for not getting enough of it and the ten extra pounds i carry. i did realize i wanted to be able to survive a famine. must have come from depression parents. yes, yes, yes, let me blame them. no, no, no, that way devastation and fate lie. i try to walk an hour a day. i've added an app to my phone, recording my steps. definitely humbling. and i can't make myself lift weights. ah, that should come as no surprise, looking at all the stuff above. 


okay, that doesn't include everything. enough for now. yes, been taking pictures. here are some from a theater performance this weekend: http://www.pbase.com/wwp/zone enjoyed it.

and this past week, took photos of class projects in pre-columbian and colonial art history:  http://www.pbase.com/wwp/matt6 and http://www.pbase.com/wwp/matt5


and here's some food for thought: http://www.buzzfeed.com/mikespohr/37-things-youll-regret-when-youre-old

picturing my thoughts