Lancing the abscess

i wish i could discuss politics without being the dictator i despise! yes, i want to solve all problems by dropping a bomb on them. thus, i'm part of the problem. whenever i go for a walk, i can come back uphill faster if i carry on some internal rant. "Give them hell, Harry!" it gives me energy, as though i were pounding the earth with my fists and not my feet.

i'm surprised how intolerant of intolerance i can be. opposition simply stirs me up to violent thoughts, devastating solutions, yet most of the time i have to agree with myself. take this image going around in my mind: a giant abscess grew under the skin of the country (ours). racism, greed, the wider and wider separation of rich an poor, a paring down of the middle class on whom democracy depends, billionaires festering in their lawless domains. in other words, a hidden but not small disease.

and then came the lancing, the puss poured out over the land. this seemed the only way to handle the situation. in stealth and silence the germs and viruses simply multiplied  without recognition. once the scalpel of an election pierced it, the whole country could not ignore the problem. and the infection had to be dealt with by the everyone. hopefully, the seething mass of corruption could be cured by the nation as a whole.

spreading out to a certain sick thinness, the disaster could be absorbed by the healthy tissue, people who realize their own security depends on the good of others. the germs could be handled one by one. different strains of infection could be handled by the common thought. those who live without laws might be brought to heel. yes, it was taking a big chance. and damage is being done in the process.

beautiful lands subjected to mining, endangered species removed from protection, people being thrown out of the country, children and families being separated, bombast loaded onto the media every day. the prince of shame selected for this dirty work seems impossible to puncture. true, the forces of health and well-being have not been subdued. it's possible they will triumph over this flood of corruption. 

democracy seems like a very special state. like life itself, it demands certain conditions. and if the wealthy overwhelm the electorate, then voting will hold no power and the courts will be possessed by the oligarchs. as Aristotle said, "every democracy ends with the separation of rich and poor." will this drastic solution undertaken in the last two years prove to be nothing but a desperate attempt to save democracy? will the sane prevail?

THE RESCUER:
file://www./triggerguardonline/videos/403327400459345/?t=11

alas, too old to be a ladyboy!

yes, approaching 80 i'm not about to get a sex change. true, at times in the past i wanted to be a girl. i figured they got everything for nothing. they just had to be cute. and the way dads doted on them, giving them all they wanted. as a boy i always had to earn respect. what a drag!

yes, i've always been fascinated by the differences between the sexes. recently, i stumbled across a mess of videos on ladyboys in Thailand, mostly by older western guys (rather shy and not weird) who'd found the loves of their life. i kept watching. when could i tell it was a guy and not a woman? one video even provided a test. could you guess? i wasn't always right. some of the ladyboys simply could not be told from females without close examination. 

then, looking for films in spanish, i gravitated to Almovodar, the filmmaker from spain. he hit it big with 'woman on the verge of a nervous breakdown' and has had lots of hits and misses since. he's gay, mixing up transgenders and straight characters  in all kinds of interesting ways. from here i gravitated to guys on youtube showing how they changed into women. this was absolutely fascinating. 

i'd read 'the female brain' and 'the male brain' by  louann brizendine , mostly about the effects of hormones. and here the boys taking hormone therapy started changing, both physically and mentally, pretty much confirming what i'd read in the two books. without experiencing it myself, i can't be sure it's true. one guy in transition talked about losing his sense of direction and gaining feelings for other people he didn't know he had. 

they became more or less convincing as women, their voices something they did need to work on separately. hips bulged, legs softened, breasts grew. the physical changes real. and where do they go for a complete sex-change operation? Thailand, of course. and it's even more interesting since same-sex  marriage has become legal. true, this is outraging the right wing in politics and adding fury to the fire. 

i've  always felt being an American hinged on matters of identity, and how did you really know who you were, and especially were you male or female? this uncertainly plays a huge role in our society. and remember how the fear of being gay used to haunt every guy? think of the high school jokes and razzing. it's really interesting to see the transition, and these gals on youtube get a lot of criminal comments. 

still, ever since reading The Second Sex in a family psychology class my freshman year in college i've wanted to know the truth. i've always felt woman more powerful than men since they can manipulate them. and in work, now that women have been gaining authority, it's obvious an intelligent woman can do anything man can do. and remember: in old peasant societies the women had muscles like weight-lifters and loggers. 

years ago, i got kissed by an italian gay actor in the middle of a theater class improvisation. unfortunately it was embarrassing and unpleasant. i much preferred the soft lips of a woman. 

********************

the high at the end of the world

finally, today, it hit me: this is the culmination of human civilization. with digital memory banks i have all human knowledge at my fingertips. incredible amounts of information. unfortunately, my brain and body can't take it all in. technology is simply confusing me. the imagination of human beings has created wonders which turn into monsters!

in other words, none of us have the capacity of a library, of an internet, of difficult  formulas. i have it all, but simply can't know what i have. true, i try to find simple statements which sum up the situation. "No state of being is static."  "Even chaos has a structure." "We used to call this the future." and so on. 

in other words, if i can crack the atom, i can release all its energy. and i assume all the knowledge for creating a hydrogen bomb can be found on the internet. i don't think i want to know. and as for the picture above, i'm predicting most people would like to die happy. hence, drugs, opioids, overdoses. i don't know what makes life so difficult. i rather think it's trying to make other people happy. if i could just assume my own authority, as every artist must do.

unfortunately, i would re-create the world in my own image, which is tangled, fluctuating between ecstasy and the void. i would simply make a universe for human beings which already exists. global warming ultimately comes from overheated human brains. i'm bouncing off the wall with everybody else, heated up in a bell jar. 

yes, at the very moment i should be able to take pride in this sum of the species' endeavour, i have to admit i've created a power i can't ultimately control. as the ice caps melt and the seas rise, i pilot the minuscule craft of myself across immense and growing waves. if i could only get off the planet, settle another star. even stephen hawking said that my only chance. 

ah, well, i suspect i will continue to smoke the vapor of forgetfulness. after all, the problem way too big for me. and if the shit hits the fan fifty years from now, as expected, my mortal remains will have dissolved into the making of new stars. i don't say this with delight. rather, i'd like to give hope, joy, pass you the pipe. 

wrestling with sigmund freud

i am trying desperately not to do what i've seen so many people approaching old age and death do: say the world is going to hell and can't survive without them. of course, my impulse is to do the same, despite my very lucky life. so, i'll give human beings 50 years, long enough for today's children to see their grandchildren. alas, it does mean they'll hand those kids a self-destroying world. well, not exactly self-destroying. their folks will have a lot to do with it.

for example, 16,000 nuclear weapons circle the globe, 40 pointed at New York City alone. and at any time india and pakistan with 100 each could decide to blow each other off the face of the earth, creating a nuclear winter, an ice age for the rest of us. freud jumps in to help us here. if you don't believe me read civilization and it's discontents and beyond the pleasure principle. culture is supposed to be our erotic/libido defense against the death drive.

unfortunately, as he very astutely states, every morning many of us wake to re-experience our early or late traumas, not remembering  them, as most of us don't, i think, actually know why we dive into a depression. no, we simply suffer all over again the slings and arrows of our past. we go through them all over again, every day, and this cuts into our love of life, turning flowers grey.

as stated, i've had three apocalyptic presidents, each getting elected throwing around images of Armageddon. the first, in the 80's, unbalanced democracy completely. when he went into office, income in the U.S. the most even and equal it had ever been, meaning a strong middle class, the place where the democratic impulse comes from. at the end of his eight year reign income in the U.S. was the most unbalanced it ever had been. and as aristotle said, a gulf between rich and poor destroys democracy.

then, there was apocalyptic president #2. he invaded Iraq, spreading terrorism all over the world, as he too used the language of armagedden. and why would would this appeal to such a large part of the electorate? i cite sigmund again: that huge population wishes to die. yes, yes, it's outrageous to say this. however, what makes them wish to do so is the anger fomented by talk radio and a certain television chain. they're disgusted with humanity itself, turning their anger at themselves.

as for apocalyptic president #3, he keeps asking over and over again: "why can't we use nuclear weapons?" i suppose the simple answer would be: it would destroy us all. but if enough in the world governed by the death instinct, this would make perfect sense. rather than be dethroned #3 would obviously rather push a couple of buttons. that said, i've hopefully, in a moment of unbelievable optimism, given us 50 years.

that leaves plenty of other possible catastrophes: ten huge volcanoes. astroids larger than than the one decommissioning the dinosaurs, a solar flare blowing all the electric circuits on earth, and so on. this leaves global warming as most likely, the temperature rising to 500 degrees as it is on venus. evidently, the green house effect could reach a tipping point and suddenly thrust all of us in an oven. conceivably, we as a species could ramp up our erotic/libido in time. this very unlikely as we begin watching whole towns burning in california and greece.

as someone bravely stated: "Birth gives us a return ticket."

I hypnotize myself, therefore i am

i'm struggling with this terrible knowledge i create myself every day. at night i surrender, becoming a thousand things, a fantasy of fantasies. my control is gone. not only that, i am actually paralyzed so i won't act out out my dreams. in sleep all of us are. insomnia, of course, is the fear of never being able to move again. we know in our heart of hearts we've ceased exist.

all personality created by self-hypnosis, what i tell myself over and over again, an unbroken chain of thoughts. when i dip into depression it's due to my insistence on being this person with a name, an id card, a passport, a driver's licence. the only way out means breaking the chain, visiting a therapist, going to a movie, throwing myself off a cliff.

yet, i know i can be hypnotized by someone else. and i know many people who've had problems solved by doing so. one friend, years ago, kept falling asleep at a certain time while commuting home from work. the hypnotist gave her a suggestion and next time, at exactly the right moment, she snapped wide awake, her life perhaps saved. 

in fact, when it works well, driving a car puts us in a trance. i can drive for hours, arriving at my destination, suddenly surprised by seeing the family dog. i have no recollection of the past miles. if i think too much about it, i break out in a cold sweat. mostly, though, i accept it as perfectly natural.

i am absolutely convinced my life a sequence of trance states. for example, when i studied theater directing, William Ball in A SENSE OF DIRECTION said, "just before the end of a performance, the audience enters a trance state for twenty minutes." that's absolutely remarkable. everyone in the audience has lost their own train of thought and adopted that of the playwright and actors. 

movies, a novel, an art show, if effective, they give us a vacation from ourselves, just like dreams. and what's even more amazing, being hypnotized may mean we enter the dream state and can be directed to move. a stage hypnotist can turn me into a convincing chicken or judo practitioner. it's amazing what we can do in that state. maybe not fly, as we sometimes do during sleep, but we can do pretty remarkable feats.

i am fascinated by stage magicians. obviously not everybody easily suggestible. the ones who are, however, can dance like bo-jangles, do somersaults like the latest acrobat. pretty much whatever we do in  our dreams, we can do under hypnosis. which makes me believe tapping into this potential means accessing the 70% of our brains we don't use. 

alas, tapes haven't helped me and so far i'm too timid to go to a pro. that said, i am convinced i could fly a jet plane if told to do so under hypnosis. my ultimate abilities far beyond what i can do when ordinarily conscious. had i the discipline i'd run a four minute mile or be an irresistible lover. yes, yes, i can dream can't i?

My own hypnosis poems:

https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B07F64SVCP/ref=dbs_a_def_rwt_bibl_vppi_i1

and a wonderful book: 

https://www.abebooks.com/servlet/BookDetailsPL?bi=30113425842&searchurl=kn%3Dmilton%2Bh%2Berickson%26sortby%3D17&cm_sp=snippet-_-srp3-_-image16

the road of lost time

l've decided time is what makes me human. and with that might be pain, though these might be two sides of the same coin. a friend recently had a brush with death. being a doctor, he never felt other people were really feeling pain, they exaggerated. he learned his lesson. agony can go on for a long time. theoretically, the nerves could be cut. but not in my whole body. 

of course there's morphine and heroin. if i wish, i can be a complete zombi. ah, i have escaped the human condition. unfortunately, it could easily kill me. then death is the final escape from time (i hope). what i mean is,  as a human i can manipulate time. i can find ways. i can travel, for example, overwhelmed and invigorated by new sights and sounds.

i'm sure that's why the days in childhood seemed so long (as well as painful). the world new, i had plenty of things to explore, a snowball a miracle, the moon lending the whole world a mystery. alas, i got used to the world. prison must be painful due to the routine, the same thing every single day serving time. even as i wish for security, i know too much of it can be deadly. 

okay, travel, pain, what are some other ways to avoid being human? sometimes it just happens. i've had time slow down to a snail's pace during an automobile accident. suddenly, i've gone in slow motion, turning the wheel this way and that. this must be more than simple fear, rather a place beyond it. fear is common to all animals, as is instinct. 

it's not just my awareness of time. a lot depends on my control over it. all machines depend on timing. my mother and shakespeare said everything does. and i have choice? alas, listening  to the biology professor robert sapolsky from stanford. i hear him say over and over again, 'there is no free will, everything depends on biology.

no wonder people hate science. it reinforces the tyranny of time. yet sapolsky saying so many variables involved, it makes me believe in free will, the exact opposite of what he wishes me to believe. with all the world and emotions floating within me, i believe i must have the ability to choose different paths to where i wish to go. 

and what about einstein? he discovered the speed of light doesn't change but time does. this is something we all know. a work day may last a day or an hour with the clock never changing it's tune. and the indian teacher chopra says two things make me old: my feeling little time left for me and the looks of other people. 

and what about THE FLOW, tapping into an action like catching a foul ball, or running the Iditarod? I'm carried by time in such a way it disappears! and so, maybe everything depends on me being super-interested, super-involved. always have something to look forward to. is that the lesson childhood can still teach me?

i wonder where i wander

i feel less guilt, knowing people's minds wander 30% of the time. ah, hah, i'm not quite so crazy as i thought. and the accusation i'm a daydreamer bears less weight. true, i've always looked out the window and no writer's wife believes he's working when he does that, nor does anyone else. but...

maybe i can't focus my mind on one thing without unduly stressing myself. for example, if the computer whacks out for some reason, i will go day and night to fix the problem. suddenly, my whole body starts shaking. the day goes black. i become incapable of doing anything. if i unfocus my eyes for a few minutes, i relax. making the brain forget everything except one thing must take a lot of work!

i'm not sure what consciousness is, and i find nobody else does either. i tend to think of it as this huge bubble, filled with floating objects: memories, bricks, hammers, outlines of tables, and so on. my consciousness keeps snatching at pieces and putting them together. even dreams i think of as my brain having fun, most of all when it feels like a nightmare. everything gets tossed up in the air and unlikely objects collide with each other, creating fantasies. 

well, the creative mind has to dream most of the time. and in so doing, i collect materials with have a mysterious infinity with each other. i imagine consciousness as much bigger than myself. if i limit my attention to a point, i leave out so much that might help me. i read somewhere we use 3% of our brain. that's astounding. how do i access the rest?

no wonder the modern world with it's lists, tableture, categories, definitions, loves DRUGS so much. they shake off our desperate grasp of the facts. for awhile i can float in pure perception, or misperception. i don't have to worry if things make sense. of course, this could be fatal if i suddenly feel i can fly and jump out a window. 

i've decided i can't make reality yield without letting go of it often. true, at such times i bump into walls, trip over ropes, stumble among the rocks. i do have to be careful to sit quietly in a chair at such times. as kafka said, rest peacefully  at your desk, don't do anything, and the world will roll at your feet in ecstasy. i won't say that has happened to me. that said, i find it easier than running around the block, getting the exercise i need.