Sunday, May 29, 2011

finding my inner animal

yes, i'm no longer so sure about free will. reading the male brain and the female brain, i collapse into a deep doubtfulness. with all those hormones controlling our moods, not to mention circumstances like poverty and the weather, how could i be so sure i'd chosen to do what i'd done. after all, as i've said before, personalities don't change much unless there's brain damage.

this left me in a pickle. ambiguity might be fine for poetry and philosophy, yet it won't cut up a steak or fry a fish. and as for the vanity of human wishes, these become more and more apparent the older i get. does anything of the individual survive? true, a bit of wit and common sense (hopefully) may pass into other people. alas, i haven't created a gene for either.

kids and animals, ah, i remember when i had don juan (a dog) at bunker hill (my first lookout), the visiting children certainly cottoned to him more than the magnificent mountain view. curious by instinct, the little ones get into everything. even in high school in germany i snuck with a friend onto a general's train (we got caught), a steel mill - walking those high iron catwalks across hills of coal - and into an international trade fair, going under the fence. in fact i'm sure my desert uncle shocked when i searched through all the debris he'd collected.

damn, i've never lost that. when i walk into a bookstore, i immediately grab whatever comes next: crockery, learning spreadsheets, teenage horror. is this really human? after all, if an old guy pranced up and down the aisles dancing like that little princess in the pink dress, they'd haul him away to the nuthouse. i'm ever in terror my inner goat will take over and begin butting the human butts sitting in the cafe chairs. 'get up! there's more to life than that!!'

all this came to a head as i took pictures at the county fair this weekend: click in the upper right hand corner for a slideshow.