Saturday, December 21, 2013

living with my limitations

hmm, hard not making this a sob-story. as someone wiser than i said, "If you argue for your limitations, you will have them." on the other hand, as my friend randy said, "People find there own level." or in my words, we live in a free-fall society. maybe it's merely the fact we have choices? or as Chekhov said, "We do what we can." o god, in a politically correct age that sounds like a cop-out. so let this be mine.

SALESMANSHIP: i'm terrible at selling anything. i always lose money on a camera, a car, a book. what is this reluctance to bargain? is the dollar dirty? or is it i simply don't care? to my own credit, as long as i have enough to live in luxury, as i do, better than any king in history before 1900. unfortunately, i'm never able to present myself as better than i am, and usually worse. in a world of self-promotion, i'm dismal.

AUTHORITY: i'm very reluctant to assume it. a psychic told me, "You had too much responsibility in past lives, in this one you get to play." my question is, with this kind of freedom, why doesn't it promote my happiness more? i do know playfulness is the key to a good life. why can't i practice what i preach? 

SOLITUDE: when i was young, my mother said, "You played so much alone, I never thought you'd have anything to do with people." she was certainly surprised when she came to town and found i had friends! alas, it's true, i float in and out of sociable circles: lookout parties, classes at school, theater. definitely a yo-yo when it comes to this. working alone on a mountain-top both a privilege and a pain. yes, floating at my own level: in the sky!

DEPRESSION: admittedly, prozac has helped a lot. my lack of patience has interfered all along the way, especially in romances, unable to partner for long. these days, i don't often have the urge to throw myself under a bus or jump off a bridge. still, some days the inner tension tempts me to get rid of it in a disastrous way, especially with alcohol. i do forgive myself and say, this too will pass. that's the trouble with being depressed. it seems like it will go on forever.

LUCK: i believe too much in it, and both praise and blame affect my self-image too much. and it's driven me to try and save people, to forgive when i shouldn't, avoid confrontation. maybe that's where this love of day-dreaming? when i was a kid, my father always said, "We're waiting for our ship to come in." and in the meantime we were always in debt. and of course i've avoided debt like the plague. not easy to buy a house with that attitude. 

RESTLESSNESS: now it's true, 40 countries later i don't have the old-age regret of not having traveled enough. and i have been at the same lookout for 30 years and in this town for 33. part of that has got to be inertia. these days i delight in the pleasure of not going. an evening of surfing the world brings me a lot of satisfaction. true, i simply cannot read books like crime and punishment, or joseph and his brothers, not the way i used to. and just two days ago i found an old guy (probably no older than i) sitting at a cafe table absorbed in a paperback  novel. gee, i wish i could do that. no, i'm taking everything in bite-sized bits, trying to get the kernel without spending too much time on the shell.

EXERCISE: i keep damning myself for not getting enough of it and the ten extra pounds i carry. i did realize i wanted to be able to survive a famine. must have come from depression parents. yes, yes, yes, let me blame them. no, no, no, that way devastation and fate lie. i try to walk an hour a day. i've added an app to my phone, recording my steps. definitely humbling. and i can't make myself lift weights. ah, that should come as no surprise, looking at all the stuff above. 

okay, that doesn't include everything. enough for now. yes, been taking pictures. here are some from a theater performance this weekend: enjoyed it.

and this past week, took photos of class projects in pre-columbian and colonial art history: and

and here's some food for thought: