at least, that's the way i felt after having a tooth pulled yesterday (and molar makes three). for five hours i sat at my desk, not able to get interested in anything, to bear any input from reading a book or watching a video. i just didn't have the strength. and i hated it.
to want to be interested in the world around me and not be able to, that smacks of depression or being in a state of shock, a kind of hell. what if i died this way? i always wanted to die either not knowing it was coming, or consciously, able to listen to music and formulate mysterious last words.
damn, pain, even the pain of a toothache, can derail everything. sunday i bit into an ice-cream bar, and boom, off my head went into the stratosphere. granted, i thought it a temporary lapse. in fact, i forgot about it until the next morning when both heat and cold shot bolts up the left side of my head, i couldn't even tell which tooth offended me.
ah, later i could tap on the bad one and feel the pain. so, there it was. i had a choice. i could wait to see if the root died and let it go for awhile. or go to the dentist, money the issue. the next day i cried uncle. i thought, i'm going to lose this one. and my intuition came true. the dentist pulled the tooth out easily, wiggling it side to side for a couple of minutes.
suddenly, he handed a little plastic box shaped like a tooth. "for the kids. wrap it up in a cloth and smash it with a hammer. the gold will come off. you can buy yourself a nice meal" at the moment the last thing on my mind. "don't spit or suck through a straw. you'll disturb the blood clot," the result of which appeared dire.
actually, nothing hurt for the moment. i traipsed off to the pharmacy for penicillin, after all, i've got cataract surgery coming up next week and i'm not allowed to be sick. night weighed heavily. i slept off and on for eleven hours, hoisting myself up to take pills at intervals. and then?
i felt normal again. the interest in pictures came back. i watched videos of greece for an art history class. i even retired to the bookstore for coffee and chocolate cheese-cake. what had happened? yes, reality depends on me being interested. a lot of responsibility, i must say. i'm the weak link, if the world depends on me.