twice i have been put on a pedestal by younger friends and been knocked off, both times receiving a powerful dose of disappointment and sarcasm. it's been surprising and painful. i enjoyed their admiration, especially criticising myself so much! a bit of praise makes up for a lot. unfortunately, in disappointing them i fall from grace myself.
this must be why i've always hesitated to be a counselor or teacher. or even a politician. i'm not great at being called to task. my older friends know my faults and hopefully are more forgiving. Especially, they know their own failings and can put themselves in my shoes. also, i tend to joke a lot. and that is not always understood.
i have now written over five hundred blogs showing what a fool i am. it should be no surprise to anyone. however, when i set up expectations and don't fulfill them it's a shock to someone not in on the open secret. those who value me too highly know too few facts, no matter how much i throw them out there. somehow i have to shout from the housetops how imperfect i am.
now, that's certainly a claim to fame and form of vanity. can i really be worse than Jack the Ripper, Alexander the Great, Attilla the Hun? i've never reached such heights. i merely forget an appointment, over-reach my ability to empathize, forget the clean the bathtub. these aren't minor pecadillos, i grant you, yet they don't seem to in the same class a serial killers!
true, i'm not always honest. i do pretend to be better than i am. i'm easily embarrassed when i'm found out, when i don't prepare a speech adequately, or miss finding a fire and have to make it look like i didn't. a counterfeit, that's what i often feel like. as a teenager my favorite song was The Great Pretender. i played it over and over again, driving my family crazy. children should never spend too much time with their parents.
and speaking of parents, how i hated discovering mine had feet of clay. this seems to be a common occurrence in our society. i don't know why it takes so long, until puberty. this must be a shock to have their sweet child turn into a monster of sarcasm. maybe that's why i avoiding being a parent. i knew the day of reckoning would come. alas, and now it's come to me again.
SATURDAY, MAY 23, 2020
LOCKDOWN: how profoundly anti-American it is
i really don't think we thought this through ahead of time, reacting to an internet panic. yes, i see this as an internet virus more than a medical one. after all, what makes Americans?
1. Freedom of movement 2. Limited interference of government in public and private life 3. The formation of small groups 4. Eating out 5. The denial of death 6. A lack of fear 7. Individual identity
take number 7. masks erase identity and make us all bandits. more than once i've been unable to recognize someone i know, even after talking. masks also make communication difficult, voices muffled, hearing impeded. and after all the talk of covid being so transmitable (now CDC, months later, says it's very difficult to pick the virus up from surfaces), couldn't it infect the eyes? i feel like we've all been in a form of Islamic purdah.
as for the denial of death, this is the very foundation of the American psyche. i always think the most dangerous thing i can do is climb in my car. 50,000 Americans die on the highways every year! the line down of the middle of the road is no protection, especially if the trucker coming your way falls asleep, or you do. we live with death on the road every day, yet how little this impinges on me if i answer my cell phone. people die out of sight, in hospitals, immediately shunted off to funeral homes.
and so i live most of the time with a lack of fear. foolish of me, i know. having been hit by a sedan in a crosswalk and thrown over the top of it, i no longer trust traffic signs to protect me. okay, that does contradict what i've said. i am afraid of cars making right turns at a stop signal, and i look both ways when crossing a one-way street. once in Berkeley i was hit by a bicyclist going the wrong way and landed on me back in the middle of a busy blvd. stupidly i stood up and walked away.
eating out, forming small groups. i am actually very social. at least i like sitting in coffee shops and meeting friends. we hug, pat each other on the back, shake hands. we breath on each other as we converse, keeping the normal American distance, which is probably 2 feet. at 6 feet i might as well be alone. avoiding people doesn't come naturally and i really feel sorry for the kids learning to do so. and was this really necessary, since kids don't get covid 19, with a few exceptions?
the biggest anti-American attributes of the situation: freedom of movement and lack of government interference in private life. commanded to stay home (which i still believe to be illegal), i lost my right to freedom of movement. and forced to wear masks, not meet friends, or go to church, i feel the basic rights of American life taken from me. even a European country like Sweden, where there are more rules, did not take this route. at this point i feel like i've been bamboozled.
