changing my attitude

you know, i never thought it possible. i've heard many an admonition to people to 'change your attitude' and i always thought, why, it can't be done, can it? i mean, an attitude seems something inborn, part of a person. it's not a matter of choice. i am an optimist, or a pessimist. i like the way things are being done or i don't. sure, i can still go ahead, being cranky or discontented doesn't stop me. still, i have to admit, the job will suffer, as will the results.

okay, a couple days ago, looking around at the mountains, the weather gorgeous, especially for the end of september, i had a epiphany. i realized how lucky i'd been to lead this life. what was ailing me? in july they stopped paying me to watch on my lunch hour. i added up the money. i'd be losing $240 a month, 12 percent of my salary. taking it personally i felt i wasn't appreciated after 55 years, the amount peanuts to them yet a lot to me.

so, signing on and off for lunch, i've been rather surly. how can they close the lookouts in the middle of the afternoon, temperature and winds at their peak? what a dereliction of duty! four times i've come back from the break to find them searching for a reported fire, the helicopter and crews wheeling about. even one false alarm probably costs more than what they're saving by impoverishing me.

okay, my epiphany and gratitude to fate for having given me my delightful life suddenly made me realize how good i have, and have had, it. true, it's minimum wage, no benefits, no step-raises, no retirement. i will be left eventually hanging out to dry. but i realized i've been able to write, travel the world, and do what other people envy. ultimately, this had a good result.

i got so mad i published the book i'd been holding back for 20 years, afraid i'd be criticized. to hell with them i thought! and now i've got almost 50 books published on amazon, including the important one: CLOUD WATCHER.

                    https://www.amazon.com/Wayne-Pease/e/B07FB9YDB2

i'd been afraid of what people would say. would i lose my job? even now, having done it, i'm on edge. 

but i realized having a mean streak in me show, i was just shooting myself in the foot. after all, i started enjoying the mid-day break, turning off the radio, napping or walking, free of responsibility. i've watched 24 hours a day for all these years and i feel the weight. i enjoy finding fires, i want to find fires, a have a certain duty toward the forest, despite how i sometimes feel (bored or sleepy). every night i have to pee every two hours and i always look around. finding a fire in the dark the biggest thrill.

anyway, i've decided to be more positive and cheerful on the radio. it's true i think everybody caught up in the heroics of fighting fire, the tv coverage, the signs on people's houses: THANKS FIREFIGHTERS. and the big fires bring in the big money. preventing fires brings no publicity or honor. obviously, i feel a lot of the abandoned fire towers need to be refurbished and manned. maybe the pressure from the public will make that happen. 

HAPPINESS: feeling good in your own body

last night's dreaming gave me a present. it might be called ecstasy. it called itself happiness. i was full of light and feeling less like  a candle and more like a quiet rocket. this confirmed what i'd realized long ago. every feeling called happy includes  this kind of pleasure. the common ingredient. and it explains a lot of my addictive behavior. 

luckily or not, i escaped being a drunk and prematurely dead by some trick of wanting to go on, always connected with not wanting to destroy my physical being. and i've always stayed away from needles, even the pin-prick more than i wanted to suffer. and i do like being clear-headed most of the time. an escape from thinking very appealing, but the price too high. 

yes, i'm told all the time i think too much, analyzing, examining different perspectives, my mind always racing. and i do get satisfaction when i can summarize a thought in a phrase. the only thing: i don't enjoy being in the physical world nearly as much. a psychic told me i'd been given this particular lifetime to play, having borne so much responsibility in former lives.

i keep thinking about that. obviously i've chosen to be selfish: no career to tie me down, no kids, no house. in that sense all time is playtime. and i know people see me as weird. once during a theater exercise, laying naked in a grave, i heard a student above me looking down into the hole, "wayne was a strange guy." there i had confirmation of my weirdo status.

and i think my image at work very likely similar. why would anybody want to sit on a mountain for 55 years. having had no girlfriends in recent history, i'm probably pegged as gay. well, if i was, my body would be having a lot more fun. ah, how can i not remember twenty years of romance with happiness, even if i think i was a lousy lover. hopefully, the women involved remember it with more than simply forgiveness. 

back to my dream. i listened to a whole book by michael pollan on recent experiments in psychedelic experiments in therapy. my own trips 40 years ago a mixed blessing. the most fun was walking around north beach in san francisco. doors got smaller and every cafe patron seemed to be acting a part on a stage, which we probably all are. yet i've never been tempted since. a therapeutic situation might be different.

the subjects experience fear first, then the feeling the world made of love. i contend they simply felt super good. dying on morphine probably very like. and all the people overdosing taking a short-cut to happiness. myself i immediately determined after my dream a trip to the subtropics in order. at a certain level of humidity and temperature, i'm as happy as i get.