Thursday, July 30, 2009

i'd love to be a trust-fund baby now

no, of course, it would not have been good for me when i was young. you don't have to tell me. i've watched people who get it and flaunt it, until it's gone and they have to wake up, or they hoard it, living like pensioners at twenty-four. (i've just viewed the movie about a boy again. everything having been given, the main character is not about to take any risks, with his money or his emotions. boy, is he in for a surprise.)

the trouble is, if things go too easily, we don't need to take chances. yet it's the anxiety that gives us a personal history and a sense of satisfaction, if we're lucky. (i never, ever discount luck and good luck is all i ever ask for.)

you see, if you miss the adventures of youth, you can't have them later. sorry. take all your chances now, while it feels like your time will last forever. that's considered a fault of the young. don't be fooled. it's that carefreeness you can't have later. if you rush around at fifty, trying to have the experiences proper to twenty-five, you will have a sense of desperation, time is running out. this too makes you frantic or careful.

i've been foolish. i'm the first to admit it. forty-two years without health insurance! what person in their right mind would have done that? or riding in luggage racks across turkey, living in a berlin basement to revive dostoyevsky (a hero of my youth), lying on greek beaches never considering skin cancer. had i been smart i would have invested my money, bought a house. those crazy choices in jamaica and on bali, why bother?

alas, most of my memories will disappear with me. i guess it's only just. i threw away my youth on romance and now it's difficult to pay for dental work. (medicare doesn't cover it.) i've become lazy, wishing to really dig in where i am. for example, here are more photos from the forest. i guess i'll never have a better subject.

i will never be able to pass on better words than my grandmother's at her eightieth birthday (the last time i saw her): DO IT WHILE YOU CAN.

won't someone make me a trust-fund baby now?