now why didn't i think of that before? i've always been a rat chasing it's tale. in a way it makes no sense, knowing i'm made up of a bunch of cells walking around together, until they part company. consciousness? basically something formless. am i the universe, the universe me? whatever it is, i make it up cause i need to. whenever i lose touch with my story, i'm despairing, suicidal. to get back on track i'll look at pictures of 1950's paris, my first visit. ah, the world traveler, the intellectual, and so on.
even family has to be part of my story. after all, my grandparents met and were married in this town about a hundred years ago. i keep saying to myself, 'you can't claim anything anyone in the ancestral line has done as your own.' yet, the oregon trail, the american revolution, those guys travelled paths part of my myth of myself. almost anything i've done contributes. fifty years being a fire lookout, a archetypal occupation. giving my versions of stand up comedy, or playing the cockroach in kafka's metamorphosis, all part of a semi-conscious construction, determined to make me more than a protoplasm living in a swamp.
of course, that could be a my place too. identifying with the tribe, other floaters and bottom-feeders. those long winters, huddled up in a tent, humanity told stories for centuries, merely to get them safely and vividly to the spring. and when i meet an american in another country, i greet him/her like an old friend, even if at home i'd shout at them, possibly even call the police. ultimately, we feel the best with the familiar.
take the news, it's all drama, characters, threads of a plot, even being a conspiracy theorist makes sense, given this thesis. wow, those big guys out to get me personally, i must be terribly important. and this occupies the mind, pushing out thoughts of aging, death, poverty, and an ultimate fate of sleeping under park benches. none of it is my fault. we join the superheroes, vaulting over buildings in the face of common sense. who wants to be ordinary, who can stand it?
more ipad portraits at http://www.pbase.com/wwp/ipad yes, we never stop creating our epic, and if we do, we jump off a cliff, and that's part of it too.
this has turned out to be a lot more difficult than i expected. the temptations have been many. both my parents had masters degrees, one an army chaplain, the other a psychiatric social worker. not going to college didn't enter my mind - at first. then, i made one feeble attempt at twenty, grabbing a bus to mexico city, loaded down with a 200 lbs suitcase full of books. i felt i could simply go off and become a writer. a great adventure with electric memories, ultimately abandoned out of common sense.
no, that's right, i tried a second, more virulent effort. after five years at three universities -valpariaso, berkeley, and san francisco state, i fled to the mountains for a lookout job, the only one i'd ever coveted. i needed one unit to graduate and felt enormously proud of myself for not doing so. instead, i spent winters in new york, europe, doing theater, writing reams of stuff, some of which i still like. however, having met a german maiden, i thought i might marry and need to work. thus, to make a short story long, i drove through a biology course by mail. unfortunately, they'd changed the requirements at san francisco. in a mad rush i ran around for a day, taking tests and scooping up signatures, and completed my degree.
generally, i like to finish what i start. that goes for all kinds of projects. when i don't have a project, i go crazy. mostly i've lived like a montessori student, following my impulses. luckily, this method kept me from falling into a career. as i said, the opportunities did arise. i started out as a school reporter, specializing in sports. the first year in college, the drudgery and other people re-writing my stories maddened me. i drifted into literature. alas, even though i desired to become a classic, i never aspired to being 'a man of letters.'
i could have become a fire-dispatcher, a counselor, or, heaven-forbid, a teacher. not that i don't admire the latter tremendously, most of my friends of the profession. yet i realized, it's a full-time job and you have to read a lot of bad writing. ironically, i still audit classes and love being a student. always a bridesmaid and never a bride, thank god. not wanting the money-sink of a house and knowing the debt-ridden course of raising children, i decided to remain a child. and like a child, i've few defenses against ecstasy and misery, bouncing from one to the other. that is the price you do have to pay for freedom.
as far as being a creative person, i like works left in a semi-rough state, not too slick and impersonal. this effectively cut me out of the market. for whatever reason, it hasn't diminished my desire to make things. in the long run i've avoided wearing a uniform and the curse of celebrity, even if i'd like to set an example of independence for others.
there's a nature center two blocks away and on a walk, i took a few pics and mucked them up: http://www.pbase.com/wwp/cent
and you can browse through a large part of my holdings, if you wish: http://www.pbase.com/wwp it's an example of what a dedicated amateur can do.
ah, i moved to this town for this reason thirty-some years ago. wise or not, the advice took hold. true, i've haunted aisles of books since the summer after the third grade when i read two books a day. not moby dick, rather the adventures of kit carson, or sitting bull. i outgrew the age of comic books, going through science fiction, then historically based stories. ultimately, a degree in english literature ruined me. i became too educated to appeal to a wider audience with best sellers.
yes, i've imitated being a classic. and i doted on the old ones, soaking up dostoyevsky and pascal. what a shame. now i'm way over-educated in an under-educated atmosphere. college town though this may be, it's no athens. yesterday, everybody retreated into the bars to watch a football game. that's the nature of the beast. the best thing about it, the first thing: wonderful tomes sat on the shelves for years, available because students never read them! with the internet it's even better. they may study in their cubbyholes and learn how to manipulate each other in the modern world. in ancient rome, post ww2 paris, they'd be lost and helpless.
see, i gloat in my rainy window room. today the next semester begins. i'll go over to soak up the youthful energy. unfortunately, with the stormy weather, the girls won't look their best, all covered up. that will have to wait for valentine's day and spring. tomorrow, i'll go to an art history lecture on photography, probably another on old peruvian art. though i'm hibernating like a bear, my pulse dropping to zero, my breath coming once a day, my brain will be stimulated, thanks to j. wolfgang g. what's the point of living in the present, anyway? individuals die, libraries live forever.
i did wake up long enough to take pics out the window of my room. they probably show my dazed state of mind: http://www.pbase.com/wwp/rainy
Until one is committed, there is hesitancy, the chance to draw back, always ineffectiveness. Concerning all acts of initiative and creation, there is one elementary truth the ignorance of which kills countless ideas and splendid plans: that the moment one definitely commits oneself, then providence moves too. All sorts of things occur to help one that would never otherwise have occurred. A whole stream of events issues from the decision, raising in one's favor all manner of unforeseen incidents, meetings and material assistance which no man could have dreamed would have come his way. Whatever you can do or dream you can, begin it. Boldness has genius, power and magic in it. Begin it now.
goethe
egad, i'm going to go off the deep end, recommending a book i haven't even read. well, it wouldn't be the first time. i've at least two thousand books in my storage locker, piled right up to the front door. have i read half of them? hell, no, yet that doesn't stop me from buying them. my whole life spent in libraries, looking for the answer. have i found it? more than once. then lost it again. i just order the universal principles of design online.
you see, i know i'm being affected and manipulated all the time, good ways and evil ways. last night i watched a documentary on vidal sassoon. great guy. and i spent years responding to his haircuts on women and the dresses of mary quant. they created a seductive and strong image. i swear women would not be taking over the world if it weren't for them. it's like michael jackson, the source of barack obama's success. we react to thriller images, in dance, in the movies, in books. and with a formula, they yank us onto the road to perdition.
speaking of roads, i just drove home from the cafe, in the rain, and after reading words black on yellow the most memorable, i noticed street signs, the digital sign on the local bus, yellow turn-signals. watch out! opportunity! danger! i've certainly no objection to the signal lights. they've saved my life more than once. what alarms me: my own lack of observation. and i think the key to understanding our world and leading a life independent of it, depends upon reading all the signs.
it occurred to me the other day: without the dress, there'd be a lot fewer weddings. those wedding magazines all about the white uniform. no wonder all eyes on the bride walking down the aisle. bingo! i'm center stage for once in my life. however, marriage dying out around the world as women take the limelight every day. power and design, there's certainly an essay in that. and i have read 100 things every designer needs to know about people, backwards and forwards. we're not talking about gods wielding divine power. no, about the smart human beings who've learned how to control all the rest.
this said, artists, writers, dentists, all kind of creative people could benefit from this knowledge. there, i've attempted to sell a book without having read it. it always works on me.
here are a few designs of my own, found around the house, inside and out: http://www.pbase.com/wwp/tex
added more ipad drawings:
http://www.pbase.com/wwp/ipad
http://www.pbase.com/wwp/nf
i mean, every time i've come across a dead body on the beach, the avenues, in a back alley, i've been tempted to pull that ringing alarm-clock out of the clutching hand. so far i've refused. what would i say? what kind of madman might be on the other end, looking for a victim? true, i could abandon this boring life and get involved in another, throw myself off track into a meaningful and terrifying adventure. should this ever happen, i'll share the details.
in the meantime, the other night i shot photos at a dress rehearsal of a play by this name 'dead man's cellphone' by sara ruhl, directed by brad moniz. unfortunately, i couldn't enjoy the flow of the play as much as i would have liked, clicking the button. still, i got my laughs from this ingenious story. a guy dies at a cafe table, his cell keeps ringing, and the girl nearby, reading a book, gets very annoyed. finally, she confronts him and he tips sideways. after a moment of horror, she can't resist answering the phone.
yes, she does get pulled into a bizarre family, and she keeps making up stories to help them feel better, that the corpse loved them, appreciated all they'd done, found them sexy, and so on. definitely a fantasy satisfied. she even finds love. no, i don't want to put in spoilers. you'll have to see for yourself:
http://blueroomtheatre.com/
the director, brad moniz, carefully thought things thru, from the edward hopper mural 'nighhawks' to the leonard cohen music during the intermission. the play circular and so is cohen's music, which i've always loved, mostly cause he undercuts his own image in a sly way. it's details like this which pull the whole creative venture together. i can't wait to see it again.
http://www.pbase.com/wwp/cell
to quote oscar wilde: don't try to lead my life, it's already taken.
brad moniz
i mean, every time i've come across a dead body on the beach, the avenues, in a back alley, i've been tempted to pull that ringing phone out of the clutching hand. so far i've refused. what would i say? what kind of madman might be on the other end, looking for a victim? true, i could abandon this boring life and get involved in another, throw myself off track into a meaningful and terrifying adventure. should this ever happen, i'll share the details.
in the meantime, the other night i shot photos at a dress rehearsal of a play by this name 'dead man's cellphone' by sara ruhl, directed by brad moniz. unfortunately, i couldn't enjoy the flow of the play as much as i would have liked, clicking the button. still, i got my laughs from this ingenious story. a guy dies at a cafe table, his cell keeps ringing, and the girl nearby, reading a book, gets very annoyed. finally, she confronts him and he tips sideways. after a moment of horror, she can't resist answering the phone.
yes, she does get pulled into a bizarre family, and she keeps making up stories to help them feel better, that the corpse loved them, appreciated all they'd done, found them sexy, and so on. definitely a fantasy satisfied. she even finds love. no, i don't want to put in spoilers. you'll have to see for yourself:
http://blueroomtheatre.com/
the director, brad moniz, carefully thought things thru, from the edward hopper mural 'nighhawks' to the leonard cohen music during the intermission. the play circular and so is cohen's music, which i've always loved, mostly cause he undercuts his own image in a sly way. it's details like this which pull the whole creative venture together. i can't wait to see it again.
http://www.pbase.com/wwp/cell
to quote oscar wilde: don't try to lead my life, it's already taken.
brad moniz
i've always been suspicious of over-riding my feelings, for fear i'd lose all sensitivity, vulnerability, the ability to sense currents in the air and the news. i pretend to be an automaton, simply to throw people off the trail. i'm terribly uneasy at parties, for example, especially having sworn off alcohol. like everyone else i wear a blank look and a smile. anyone looking closely into my face would discover the contradiction. luckily, everyone else too focused on themselves to notice.
the other day i grew annoyed with myself for being upset. an acquaintance with a bit of power over me suggested i'd lied. i proved to him i hadn't, yet in the process i felt the old oedipal urge against the father. this pricked at me as i prickled. suddenly, i thought, 'do i want to be controlled by childhood all of my life?' no, i didn't, so i simply waved the torment away, or rammed it into my unconscious, i'm not sure which. i said to myself, 'i can be a man!'
still, the rest of the day i asked myself, 'am i numb? have i voided my intuition? do i wish to be caesar or alexander the great? is that worth losing my poetic sensibility? hugh mccloed, one of my gurus, writes, power is always taken, it is never given. that i have pondered. say, j.p. morgan (picture above), what was the source of his wealth, banking? absolutely not, rather, the knife in his hand. or look at krupp (picture below), financier of hitler, the greenish glow around him the aura of self-importance, even if he looks (and acted) like an icon of greed.
along with that, there's leni reifenstal's movie triumph of the will, hitler riding in glory before saluting crowds. yes, we know what happened to him and the misery he caused, this bad artist rejected by the vienna art academy. if only they had accepted him ww II might have been avoided, his faint artistic ability overcoming his ire, which he made all of austria suffer for. maybe he would have been softened up just enough. alas, history had something different in mind, using nietzsche's the will to power for it's own purposes.
i had to go smell the roses, simply to escape my damning ambition. http://www.pbase.com/wwp/rose2
i devised this disturbing insight to keep myself from being annoyed. now, when my coat catches on a railing or a hat falls out of the door of my truck and i have to bend over, i tell myself, 'ah, that saved me from being hit by a bus in six months.' in worldly terms it's called the butterfly effect or why we can't predict the weather. say an insect falls from a tree along the amazon. eventually, a tidal wave sweeps japan as a result.
this theorem can prove very useful and the results immediate. i've found when my thoughts swing into the negative realm, all i have to do is tap the top of my head three times. this immediately shakes up my automatic patterns. they take another track and i'm saved from personal mortification. the method deceptively simple, yet we pay a psychiatrist thousand of dollars to shift us out of circular thought where A always leads to B. that's all i do when i surreptitiously give myself a minor concussion.
theoretically, if i'm unhappy with my present view of what's to come, i could stand up, run around my chair three times, and sit down, having altered my world. in public this might look a bit insane. so be it. my survival more important than the impressions of others. and if this gives me a certain control over my destiny, why not? could i plot my actions on a graph and find out how they're ruled by fractals, i might actually turn this sop of a guy into a real man. here's hoping. i vow not to step on any more cracks in the sidewalk. we'll see what happens.
desperate for subject matter, i drove to a neighboring town, marysville. once a thriving crossroads, it's become a city of holes, empty stores and lots. they tried urban renewal. i don't know why it failed. http://www.pbase.com/wwp/mary
last time i fell asleep at the wheel, i travelled a two lane road on the way the san francisco. my doze took me across the center-line into the other lane. i snapped awake to see a huge truck coming right at me. swerving back, i missed a sure death by ten seconds. how often has that happened? i don't really know. he said, 'did you see that huge shark near you?' i'd just swum back to shore in a belize blue lagoon. and she said, 'did you see that ufo over your lookout last night?' probably the close calls in the thousands.
these days i wish for one thing, good luck. that's recognizing the reality of black swans, teleb's unexpected events, what determines the course of history. we invent certain systems to counter-act this great truth. karma, sin, self-confidence, heaven, living in the myth we get what we deserve. hah, whenever has that been true? my sisters received my father's love cause he liked little girls more than boys. of course, my tirades as a result didn't help, yet they came after the fact. nobody really deserves anything. in terms of abstract justice it would be nice.
take the jugoslavian conflicts. i met a muslim student from belgrade. she'd come to work at a city office one morning and a sign said, 'as of now all of the Mohammedan conviction don't have a job.' her friends had been of all races and religions, no problem. the dictator tito kept a firm hand. or the example of sadam hussein in iraq comes to mind. despite his tyrannical ways, women had more freedom under him than they ever will again. we invaded in the name of democracy, abandoning them to their own devices after ten years. anyone with half a brain could see the coming civil war before we launched a plane.
well, i contradicted myself! i'd maintained everything chance, get used to it and relax into uncertainty. and actually, you can forecast the weather and tides a bit, not enough to rely on for a lifetime, still, it's possible to avoid a tornado, sometimes, a heart-attack, an auto-accident. no sense being stupid. to feel you have a right to live while others die, it's only natural, but don't bet on it.
two words WOUND and VOID showed up prominently at an indian art exhibit this weekend in san francisco. see if you think they tie things together: http://www.pbase.com/wwp/indart
eat chocolate. okay, you didn't need me to tell you that. the stuff can be amazingly effective. i don't know how many times i've shifted a mood simply by crunching an oatmeal-chocolate-chip cookie. no, it doesn't always work. that's a given. it can be an addiction on its own. and what we know about addictions so far, even strong drugs can't end them. only five-step programs have a prayer of doing so.
i do get mixed up. am i a social being or a chemical animal? how does the first affect the second and vice-versa. considering my blood travels 50,000 miles a day, my kidneys processing 300 gallons, a lot of stuff must be sailing thru my system. how the body keeps all that in balance, or doesn't, a great mystery. no wonder what we eat determines who we are. well, not totally, exercise, for instance, can rouse endorphins and a feeling of well-being, unless you get so exhausted you fall in a ditch and expire of hypothermia.
we're meant to move, and a lot of problems arise when we don't. i wonder if a personal trainer couldn't do more than a therapist? and the right drug does work wonders. i met a guy in costa rica taking a vacation from running a biology lab. he invited me to visit him in oregon, which i did. he said the day before i arrived he suddenly felt normal for the first time in his life, his escape to central america giving a respite for the drug to take affect. and just this past week a friend suffering from long-term depression said people finding her more relaxed, the right drug discovered after an extended and painful search.
personally, i've spent thousands of dollars on therapy when it was a lot cheaper than now. having always having had pretensions to being an elitist, I barked up that wrong tree and fought off suicidal impulses simply with luck. my medical doctor encouraged me to try prozac for a year before i would. and once that worked, i added welbutrin to beef up the dopamine. yes, we're chemical beings and somehow we've got to accept it and get the balance right. otherwise it's crack cocaine and heroin, deployed in a war only they can win.
my friend dennis palumbo has a new article on the subject of therapists as villains. http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/hollywood-the-couch/201201/the-girl-the-evil-psychiatrist i wonder if they're seen as anti-democratic (expensive) and conservative. my therapist years ago said, 'most people happier mainstream'. and in japan therapy states, 'your problem not loving your mother enough.'
in berkeley over new year's i took a few pics. a lot of people out there could use some help: www.pbase.com/wwp/ny12
