Sunday, May 1, 2016

Dear Dr. Frankenstein,

i very much appreciate your weekly column. with all your ideas of how the human form can adapt to a toxic situation on earth and chemical ones on other planets, you provide hope for the future of the species. it may not be a pretty picture, however when a dinosaur morphed into a bird, did it care or even notice? all it wanted to do was survive. 

alas, or unfortunately, the people writing you wannabe scientists. they ask about flips and buttons, managing joints and trajectories. in other words, nerds. i too am in that category, having invented and patented a machine to feed unruly children. that has been perfected to my satisfaction and the company's. i would like to ask a more personal question. 

you see, i'm old enough to die respectably, many of my acquaintances and friends have already departed to zone 2. and having made my contribution to the human family, i can consider my life a success, in the ordinary way. on the other hand, i've been working to put together the creature of my life into an even more shining order, if only for myself and the press. i'd like to leave an image of what the ideal life (human being) can be. 

my first attempt, thanks to thomas edison, turned out to be a light-bulb. built of bright, clear glass with adequate illumination, it could be used as a lighthouse, perhaps in outer space. our depleted atmosphere so thin and shallow, it could shine like a star. but, even though i've picked the brightest shining moments of my own history to construct it, the shell very fragile. i don't think it would even survive one take-off. 

setting it aside, i worked with the leftover, rather nasty stuff. i thought, why not, dr. frankenstein did? i had hoped to convert lead into gold. it, instead, looked like a cross between an alligator and a sponge. if i were setting up an alternate universe, i might be able to use it somewhere. as an object meant to inspire mankind under present evolution, it might undo the great work you've done to provide hope. 

well, what do i do with a light bulb and an alligator sponge? could i put the monster the bulb, letting the light transform the ugly creature into a magnificent, tough brilliance? i tried it. again, failure. i could only send the deformed to other planets, a image of horror. okay, the light bulb into the monster. that held promise. maybe the scaly skin and porous sponge could protect my divine light and the light transcend all other examples. 

this got me in trouble with the local authorities. the lucid, stunningly lit house with teeth scared the cats in the street and the neighbors. i had to shut down the operation until i could get the permits to resume, and this city is tough. now i'm sitting on the couch, aging and with conjecture trying to at least come up with a metaphysical concept. after all, everything begins with an idea. 

only i haven't got one, the reason i'm writing you. how does one create a image of their own life they can happily die with? a tremendous puzzle, don't you think, and worthy of your attention? hopefully you will get to this message before i'm gone. i'm trying like hell to hold on until i can be elevated with a smile on my face.