Friday, June 8, 2012

how to live with tilting at windmills

i suppose i could repeat the old saw, 'it's all an illusion.' unfortunately, that's so true it doesn't help. i never like having an answer for everything. this keeps me from adopting any religious dogma, scientific given, or the price of a computer. give me wiggle room, that might be my motto. here's a quote from the former president and founder of modern india, Jawaharlala Nehru,

Life is like a game of cards. The hand that is dealt you represents determinism; the way you play it is free will. 

seems to me that about sums it up. alas, my deck full of gaps. and i keep trying to fill them. for example, yes, i love museums, and i seek them out wherever i go. actually, it's nonsensical. now with this portable light show called ipads and androids, the pictures look better on a screen. still, i remember being stunned by that manet in san francisco and the huge visiting tintoretto. and, okay, i'd like to see a monumental parking garage turned into The Monca Museum. 

this is a battle i was born to lose! what am i to do about my defeat? what is an alternative reality? yes, it's grim, seeing what others don't, fighting for the light. why do i see the benefits so clearly and no one else does? am i halucinating? is fantasy the only life worth living? how can i restore my confidence in my own vision?

alas, i'm not a nuts and bolts person. i put the thought out there, visualized it, talked to the local paper. alas, i don't have the focus and stamina for a protracted battle. too many things interest me. i'd like, for example, to see this game refuge repopulated. at the moment i'm planning on throwing out a lot of food for the birds and rodents. this might bring the tower surroundings up to speed. i miss the eagles and brown bears, the blue grouse and even the laughable tricks of the coyote. without the yellow bellied marmots i'd feel completely abandoned.

i do ask myself all-to-often, what is the meaning of the whole thing? and every time i get a different answer. okay, this time i'll create an imaginary museum and let tomorrow fend for itself: